"Sleep, who needs it?" - D Roth LAURA'S BOOK OF QUOTES - UPDATED AUGUST 1992 "You can live poor, but you can't live dead." -R. Luft "The optimists are blind, at best." -T. Davis "Homework can go to hell; I'm IN college!" -N. Vaprin "Shit rolls downhill." -B. Kamniski "I've dropped more lives from my pockets than she'll ever have." -N. Vaprin "I never bring my mind to high school - I might lose it." -G. Walson "I am not an anti-semite, you kike" -D. Moore "Bestiality is one of those things that just makes you say `oh, dear.'" -S. Steinhoff "Never send your rabbi to Russia." -N. Vaprin "If you can't span an octave, how can you try to strangle him to death?" -E. Fischer "You've got to stop wanting to kill me all the time." -L. Shumar "That's not Chi-Chi's, that's a church." -D. Gulbransen "Galaxies are a lot larger than busses." -N. Vaprin "Life's not worth living if you can't be stupid about it." -D. Roth "If my foot catches on fire, let me know." -N. Vaprin "Everybody needs to stand on a picket line once while they're in college." -W. Forstchen "Sometimes all's you can do is say `Gleep Gleep Gleep'" -D. Gulbransen "Life sucks. I enjoy it, but it sucks." -D. Roth "Anyone can be happy as long as they refuse to acknowledge that the world exists." -D. Roth "Dividing by one is STUPID!" -J. Stimson "Friends are infinitely better than lovers - you can't set your lovers on fire in a Steak-n-Shake." -L. Shumar "You're talking aobut a religion whose major symbol is a method of execution." -E. Fischer "Optimism is great, except when it's stupid." -D. Roth "How can you say life is bad when you can have a did-not/did-so argument?" -D. Roth "Chivalry is not dead, it's just hiding behind a doorway until the feminists stop throwing pottery at it." -L. Rapkin "We could kill Eric - that always needs doing. We could just stomp on him and stomp on him until he stops being such a dick." -N. Vaprin "Damned Teflon people." -L. Shumar "I'd dice rats for $450 a week." -N. Vaprin "It's kinda funny that they come up with something as cute as the easter bunny to celebrate the anniversary of the messiah being staked up on a cross." -D. Roth "If you see smoke, it's just the concentrated HCl in the backyard." -W. Forstchen "Just put it in the toxic waste dump outside." -D. Roth "I'm so angry I don't know whether I should kill myself or somebody else." -L. Rapkin "I love sleep, but I hate not being awake." -D. Roth "I think your children would be just fine, provided you gave them up for adoption." -J. McDonald "They're menacing lillies." -J. Stimson "All I want is a traditional Jewish wedding in Westminster Abbey." -N. Vaprin "Honey, your duct tape is slipping." -B. Kaminski "It was long and slimy." -M. Bade "She's all tied up right now." -L. Vaughn "It's good at high speed - you do it in half the time." -L. Shumar "Oh, Lowell, you're just too good!" -T. Hoskins "Well, I tried to kiss you with my nose, but my lips just kept getting in the way." -K. Dunn "I like `em thick." -N. Vaprin "Ooh, I just love it when you use force." -D. Brewer "She sucks well." -N. Vaprin "I just hate it when my tits shrink - that's the worst thing that can happen to a man." -J. Habbiger "I've never done this when I had kinetic energy." -H. Landman "If it gets too intense, I'll pull out." -N. Vaprin "I can't get him off." -P. Yin "And you can do it in the dark while you're lying in bed." -D. Roth "Oh, you have the plague." -L. Shumar "Stop it, or I'll get up." -H. Landman "I just threw her on the bed." -D. Roth "Keep your hands out of my whipped cream." -L. Shumar "Why not? We've done it everywhere else." -D. Roth "I'll just blow on it a while." -D. Roth "I can't help what comes on my face." -H. Landman "Next year, we'll do it a lot." -D. Roth "Honey, you know what happens if I wipe my ass too fast." -K. Dunn "I only like the fresh whipped cream. It's easier to make, but it's worth it." -N. Vaprin "Ok, we're at 85; kiss the bitch." -L. Shumar "Acid? MY acid?!?" -C. Wong "Are you really that short?" -E. Fischer "It was pretty underwear. I wish it would have fit me." -S. Baker "You show me a Jew who gives away money, and I'll show you a goy any day." -J. Pockrass "The purpose of the media is to piss off the administration." -G. Hassel "Little boys go through a stage where they like dinosaurs. Then they like fire." -M. Freeman "You've got to be creative to fuck in this car." -L. Vaughn "Straight men - I just don't understand them. When I put my hand on a man's ass I mean it." -K. Dunn "I need to get laid." -N. Doyle "Even if you don't put pot in your brownies, you still need to use lots of vanilla." -N. Vaprin "We're all fags here; we don't know nothin' `bout birthin' no babies." -K. Dunn "I could be that happy too, if I didn't have to think." -N. Vaprin "Sneaking around bites big hippo dicks." -D. Gulbransen "A snicker is worth a thousand words." -D. Roth "Ah, John, that boiling cauldron of virility." -R. Rosebrock "It's morning `til it's dark, and after you go to sleep." -D. Roth "The whining will get you everywhere." -C. Weber "An optimist is merely an overconfident cynic." -D. Roth "If you could be captain of a major warship, that would be good." -F. Pohl "Casual flings are fucking great!" -N. Vaprin "Moses didn't have holes in his hands." -G. Lewis "Seeing david and seeing Calculus are almost mutually exclusive." -E. Fischer "Jews make the same sounds when they hear about expensive things as most people make when they hear about proctological exams." -N. Vaprin "You can't do anything sexual with a credit card." -R. Rosebrock "If Lori were a man, and I almost think she is, she would be in more dire need of a blow job than any white man alive." -R. Labhart "A coke float with frozen yogurt - now there's pop culture for you." -J. Stimson "Why bother with the schnapps?" -J. Stimson "Fun!" -N. Vaprin "The Talmud says a man must do two things for himself - acquire a teacher and choose a friend." -L. Shumar "The Talmud was written before 50-watt amps." -J. Stimson "Well, he's never been on top of the Sears Tower in a dress, but that's not necessairly a reason to do it." -K. Dunn "I have been on top of the Sears Tower in a dress." -B. Boswell "Well, then, you're one up on me." -C. Cooper "Have another Neco Wafer." -B. Prince "I'll die first." -N. Vaprin "That could be arranged." -G. Hillman "Yeah, if I eat another goddamn Neco Wafer." -N. Vaprin "Eric would say `you just think you're having fun.'" -L. Shumar "Eric's problem is that he KNOWS he's not having fun." -D. Roth "I need big speakers." -D. Roth "I think speakers are sort of a Freudian thing - guys need big speakers to compensate for other inadaquacies." -L. Shumar "Ok, I need LOUD speakers." -D. Roth. "They have to be accurate. It's not how big it is, but what you do with it that counts." -N. Vaprin "So, have you been playing Pee-Wee with that rosebush gobo?" -J. Johnson "Casey, are you wearing a bra?" -B. Kaminski "Dan's tasted really good." -M. Moffatt "How long has it been since you wrote a paper?" "I don't know, I keep dropping out of school." -D. Roth "When you don't know where they are, you have to use high explosives." -K. Gona "There is a God, and He drinks Michelob Dry." -R. Harrig "Take that off. I can't have you yelling at me when you've got tits." -G. Singer ---------------------- The OFFICIAL transcript of "Laura's book of quotes" Last revised March 30, 1991 WORDS OF WISDOM "Just what I need - an extension" -J. Stimson "In 1989, West Germany helped Libya build a poison gas factory, proving that they've come a long way since World War Two." -N. Vaprin "I keep seeing those people who cry `peace at any price' standing on the bodies of six million dead Jews at Birkeneau." -N. Vaprin "Boing." -N. Vaprin "Umm?" -G. Hillman "You shouldn't yell `seig heil' at someone who lost relatives in the Holocaust." -N. Vaprin "If only one of us does something the world remembers, all of us had some part in it." -D. Roth INTERESTING WHEN TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT "When you pull down his [Roland's] pants, there's nothing there." -L. Shumar "It just gets shorter." -G. Hillman "God, Russell's good!" -L. Shumar "If you're going to lick that out, do it outside." -G. Hillman "Jeannine's great at it." -W. Weaver "I'm about four inches into it." INTERESTING EVEN IN CONTEXT "How's your butt?" -R. Rosebrock "It needs a lot of massaging." -N. Zimmerman "You should fall down on your butt more often." -H. Landman "It was pretty underwear. I wish it would have fit me." -S. Baker "It's a misdemeanor: the more you miss, the meaner you get, and Eric looks pissed!" -Rocky line "I AM!" -E. Fischer DEFINITIONS AND FACTOIDS "You get what you pay for." -D. Roth "But not what you pray for." -L. Shumar "Ah, John, that boiling cauldron of virility." -R. Rosebrock "Rachel thinks that if you don't put your dick in her, you're asexual." - N. Doyle