Messages Found in the Wastebins
of the Intergalactic TELEX Office

a compilation of the insane rantings of
Lucifer, The Prophet Earl, Dr. Odd,
Demosthenes, and Job


Disclaimer: This document is EXTREMELY surreal. If you are too mundane to deal with it, it's not our fault...

25.50 35 Nardfrak 13339
If you do not hand over the orangutan, I will be forced to genetically manipulate your children to resemble Michael Dukakis for all time. You have 2 days, Earthling.
Furglenox
Head Death-bringer
Dominion of Carnoblatt


40.25 35 Nardfrak 13339

Your hollow threats mean nothing to me. The orangutan is mine, and if you do not concur, I will be forced to form a Pepsi-Cola monopoly on your homeworld.
Grav Black
Exodiplomat
Terran Consolidated Suns


41.00 35 Nardfrak 13339

Puny carbon-based lifeform, my people are loyal to the Antares-produced 7-Up -- they will drink nothing else. Anyway, our 4-dimensional anti-trust lawyers will infiltrate your past to find your most sordid affairs. Beware! Now, give us the primate, and the 2 billion crates of tangerines you illegally seized, or we shall be forced to flood your ball-point pen market with cheap fakes laced with the embryos of the dreaded Biddle-beast, native to our colony of Meredith. You still have 2 days.
Furglenox


69.55 35 Nardfrak 13339

The happy bombs should arrive in ten minutes. An ambassador from the Shiny Happy People Society will meet with your leaders shortly following the impact. (How did you know about the tangerines?)
Grav Black


70.75 35 Nardfrak 13339

Our spies are everywhere, Earthling. Everywhere. Your happy bombs shall be destroyed by our MDI (Melancholy Defense Initiative). Our dreaded chicken accelerators have made a preemptive strike on your outermost colonies. Prepare for war, Earthling. (We're keeping the SHPS ambassador for biological study--we shall return the remains later.)
Furglenox


12.50 36 Nardfrak 13339

Your time is running out, Earthling. You have one day to return the orangutan (in its original packing materials), the 2 billion crates of tangerines, AND the DNA code implants from George Michael (our experiments with carbon-based organisms have had some success in interrogation techniques).
If you return the orangutan today, we will waive our request for the DNA implant. However, we will not reimburse you for the destruction of your colony by our poultry accelerator. The happy bombs that did not evade our MDI did not impact and did not cause many of us to fall into spasms of ecstasy. You shall pay for the pleasure you have not inflicted upon my people.
Furglenox


39.65 36 Nardfrak 13339

We have seen the error of our ways, oh great one, and defer to your obvious superiority. A starship will leave shortly, bearing the orangutan, the tangerines, and the DNA implants from George Michael.
Your sensors may detect approximately 15 kilograms of antimatter aboard the vessel. This is only the fuel, and is no cause for alarm. You may, at your pleasure, keep the starship, but we request that you do not, under ANY circumstances, remove the magnetic access plate labelled "Do Not Remove." This is our only plea, and a desperate one.
Grav Black


25.00 12 Dimblat 13339

TO EARTH:
The orangutan rightfully belongs to the Royal House of Spandex. Alter your course of action immediately, or we will be forced to put "the squeeze" on you. Reply immediately, or face our Spandexian death squad.
Princess Lycra
Planet Spandex


27.15 12 Dimblat 13339

You have witnessed the destruction of the Carnoblattian Dominion at our hands. Don't mess with us.
Grav Black


40.02 12 Dimblat 13339

The Carnoblattian Dominion was doomed anyway. I repeat-- return the orangutan. We are willing to compensate you adequately. Our offer is 1% of our stock in the chocolate planet Nestle, the reptile of your choice, and microfilm of the Antillean annual defense board meeting & nude ping-pong tournament. Don't make us angry. You wouldn't like us when we're angry.
Princess Lycra


43.76 12 Dimblat 13339

We are willing to offer a clone and/or braintape of the orangutan. You should already know what we will do if you do not agree to our terms.
Grav Black


49.60 12 Dimblat 13339

A clone is not acceptable. We will add 15 liters of Rigellian slug slime (which, as you know, is liquid platinum) and sensotapes of every episode of our #1 tri-D program, "At the Nest With the Vorxes."
Princess Lycra


49.95 12 Dimblat 13339

No.
Grav Black


50.50 12 Dimblat 13339

Why not?
Princess Lycra


60.40 12 Dimblat 13339

The orangutan is ours -- it evolved here. Got it?
Grav Black


68.33 12 Dimblat 13339

Not yet, but we will. The orangutan's DNA was a gift from your president Springsteen to the CXLVII ruler of Spandex, his Most Elastic Majesty, King Spang, 1997. We will also give you 1 year's free use of our psychic stock market predictor.
Princess Lycra


68.90 12 Dimblat 13339

Deal. Please allow us time to collect DNA samples so that we may repopulate the species.
Grav Black


32.10 13 Dimblat 13339

Deal. As a token of our goodwill, you may keep the tangerines.
Princess Lycra


35.22 13 Dimblat 13339

What was so important about the orangutan, anyway?
Grav Black


58.69 13 Dimblat 13339

Our translator unit cannot find any equivalent terms for these concepts. Please wait for Taylor series approximations...
Sprank
Translator Tech, 9th
Planet Spandex


01.44 14 Dimblatt 13339

Well, loosely translated with all connotations and puns disregarded, the orangutan is quite popular on Spandex. Our SBS(Spandex Broadcasting Service) wants to add him to the cast of "At the Nest With the Vorxes" for its 500th season anniversary.
Princess Lycra


26.34 72 Aak 13340

TO EARTH:
The orangutan is counterfeit!! You have deeply insulted the Royal House of Spandex, the Spandexian Broadcasting System, and the Viewing public of Spandex. Fallen ratings have violated the psychic stock predictor. The nerves of planetary economists are stretched to the limit (literally). Elastic death shall be yours!!!!!!
Princess Lycra


39.83 72 Aak 13340

We do not acknowledge such counterfeiting. The orangutan is definitely genuine. We offer a crate of tangerines for you to carbon-date the orangutan against. You will find that they are the same age.
Grav Black


41.23 72 Aak 13340

Accepted. If the orangutan is in fact counterfeit, prepare to suffer total retraction of all elastic behavior from your planet. If it is genuine, your planet's inhabitants will live most flexibly. Commencing carbon-dating.
Princess Lycra


45.68 72 Aak 13340

Be sure that your results are accurate before acting. Have you heard the fable of Pons and Fleischmann?
Grav Black


60.00 72 Aak 13340

Yes, typical [untranslatable]. Preliminary reports indicate tampering by the Barbary Space-Parrots of Penzance. (Excessive hyperspace birdseed content) In exchange for your alliance against the fowl space-parrots, we offer guest appearances on the 502nd season anniversary special of "At the Nest With the Vorxes" to every member of the Terran Council.
Princess Lycra


61.45 72 Aak 13340

We suspected as much. We agree. As a token of our goodwill, we offer 50 million crates of tangerines.
Grav Black


66.60 72 Aak 13340

Gladly accepted. How many members of the Terran Council can juggle with one [no equivalent term] tied behind their back while blindfolded? [see reference: Marx Brothers-- Harpo, Groucho, Chico, Gummo, Zeppo, Karl] May Terra remain most squishily flexible!
Princess Lycra


67.43 72 Aak 13340

Uh, well-- one. Random Fraxson, our chief chancellor can. Why?
Grav Black


70.56 72 Aak 13340

It is essential to plot development. With permission I will immediately dispatch a battalion of out most bouncy amazon juggling and anti-parrot personnel. Personal instruction should commence immediately on permission from the Terran Council.
Princess Lycra


17.23 73 Aak 13340

Chancellor Fraxson will teach the others of the Council. 15,000 Special Forces troops with needlers and torches will be activated immediately. Death unto the Parrots of Penzance!
Grav Black


19.17 73 Aak 13340

May salt forever be on their tails! We shall begin retraction of elasticity. Death to the foul (fowl) Barbary Space-Parrots of Penzance!
Princess Lycra


23.54 73 Aak 13340

We are assuming you have liquid nitrogen throwers similar to our freeze machines? We will provide the sledge hammers-- you clean up the shards (It is recommended that you do this before they thaw).
Grav Black


25.72 73 Aak 13340

No. we use the dreaded mega-cheetahs to hunt down and kill. Saves on Purina mega-cheetah chow, you understand?
Princess Lycra


26.46 73 Aak 13340

Ah, yes. we have the same problem with our gigapuppies.
Grav Black


54.45 23 Spindulak 13345

To whom it may CONCERN! Our homeworld is being attacked by overwhelming numbers of cave squid! Immediate assistance is required coordinates : 27-132-0.666
Fred
Communicator
Pringle


55.87 23 Spindulak 13345

We do not normally deal with mere sentients, but in this case we happen to have a flight of hamster-fighters in the vicinity. The lowly squid should pose no problem for our dreaded spitball-rays.
El'Mrig
Grand Amazing Incredible Admiral
Transuniversal Warpfleet


75.45 23 Spindulak 13345

I am afraid our atmosphere is innocous to hamsters, oh Grand Amazing Incredible one. It contains the dreaded compound Alfalfa Sulfate which corrodes the pseudo-fur of the hamster-fighters. Besides the squid have spitball-sensitive fuzz-busters and would surely avoid your attack.
Fred


76.64 23 Spindulak 13345

Well, tough noogies.
El'Mrig


35.76 70 Spindulak 13345

TO THE TRANSUNIVERSAL WARPFLEET:
I have become aware that you have been travelling with negative-inertia-drive engines. As you know, we at the IRS are determined to enforce all laws of reality, and negative-inertia engines defy these laws. They were outlawed in the 2nd transgalactic conference on Aldebaran's third world Axofrigigine. Since you are stressing the boundaries of reality, we are forced to fine you 3 billion maxodrillions (approximately $300 Terran currency).
Ron Labhart
Inertia Monitor
Intergalactic Reality Service


39.43 70 Spindulak 13345

Payment of such a staggering sum is out of the question. Prepare for war, IRS pigs!
El'Mrig


22.15 49 Bevel 13347

TO THE GRAND HEGEMON OF FLOORP:
Return the 5 million hand buzzers which you wrongfully stole from our trans-hyper-ultramega-muckwarp freighter, the ISS Llama. If you do not, we will be forced to use the popcorn gun.
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Grand Caterer
Igglepop Society


27.22 49 Bevel 13347

The handbuzzers are ours, Ark'Flip. They evolved on our world and are only capable of forming a symbiotic relationship with us. They WANT to be here. Now go away or we shall plastic-vomit you to death.
Grand Hegemon of Floorp
Stupendous Badminton Player
Rigellian Shipping Co.


28.45 49 Bevel 13347

We plead with you, it is his Grand Awesome Sliminess' birthday, and he will be displeased if his guests do not have hand buzzers. We offer the planet Soil in trade.
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Caterer, 2nd Class
Lizards 'R' Us


28.59 49 Bevel 13347

Planet Soil, home of the Megaziplinary Hamster?
Grand Hegemon of Floorp
Ping Pong Player 1st Class
Rigellian Shipping Co.


34,20 49 Bevel 13347

I'm afraid not, but the primates that live there would make nice pets/slaves.
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Burger Flipper
Lizards 'R' Us


45.12 49 Bevel 13347

AH! You must mean the inhabitants of the planet they call Dirt! Worthless. Prepare to be hit by our whoopee cushion ray.
Grand Hegemon of Floorp
Rock Skipper
Rigellian Shipping Co.


50.78 49 Bevel 13347

No! Please, we will throw in the latest C.D.s by the "Transfinite Integral Powers." Their Graphs are amazing! We may also send some C.U.s by the "Logarithmic Waveforms" if you like.....
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Slug Fry Chef
Lizards 'R' Us


53.24 49 Bevel 13347

As you know, we are mathematevores. We can hardly refuse your offer of "Logarithmic Waveforms" (Ambrosia!) The inhabitants of Dirt may make useable bookmarks.
Grand Hegemon of Floorp
Scum
Rigellian Shipping Co.


54.90 49 Bevel 13347

Very well, we will initiate the transfer on our paddleball transport launcher immediately!
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Grand Ultimate Caterer
Igglepoppian Emerald Order


56.78 49 Bevel 13347

Good. You have heard the legend of the Tangerines?
Grand Hegemon of Floorp
Scum
Rigellian Shipping Co.


69.42 10 Zblutt 13348

TO ARK'FLIP, GRAND CATERER OF IGGLEPOP:
We of the planet Red have decided to withdraw that color from all use on your planet, including on the orangutan.
Azr'il
Emperor of Red


23.17 11 Zblutt 13348

Which frequencies (in minoblips) do you consider "red"?
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Grand Vicious Diplomat
Igglepoppian Mauve Order


25.00 11 Zblutt 13348

You are lucky mauve is not considered red. We will remove all frequencies between 16,000 and 17,231 MINOBLIPS from your sun.
Azr'il


28.62 11 Zblutt 13348

But 16,000 minoblips is infra-red and 17,231 minoblips is green light! We will not allow such a thing! Prepare to face the Social-Class-Minimizer Ray!
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Grand Admiral
Igglepoppian Death Armada


33.33 11 Zblutt 13348

You are a loonie. Redites have no social class sense organ.
Azr'il


34.65 11 Zblutt 13348

You mean...? We surrender. Please do not withdraw our color!
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Declassed
Igglepoppian Order of Scum


40.50 11 Zblutt 13348

Ha! You are no better than the Dirtoids. We are... "fond" of them (if it is possible to be fond of sub-classes of life). Keep your color. We want a yellow orangutan. We find them amusing.
Azr'il


41.02 11 Zblutt 13348

Go ask the Zyzzorozogians, jerk.
Ark'Flip Eggermip
Deceased


44.71 11 Zblutt 13348

Oh, my. We've killed him! Ritual suicide for the whole crew! *chrrk!!*
Azr'il
Also Deceased


58.21 11 Zblutt 13348

Did something surreal just happen?
IRS


60.24 11 Zblutt 13348

No. Wow, look at all those liberties falling out of the infinite. They appear to be made of green.
Anonymous


61.04 11 Zblutt 13348

Alright, that's it -- stop this right now!
IRS


61.05 11 Zblutt 13348

[F/X: Reality grinds to a jarring halt]
OK. Fine.
GOD


42.38 99 Effron 13360

Greetings! Earthling," We banana from the world of green platypuses? Excuse us if, we do not spell or predicate! your (sentences) corrundumly.
Azoflod Zorp
Intergalactic Fool


45.20 99 Effron 13360

earthling not we. PHREXI grand awesome being certainly the most invincible us. post office stupid incompetent is for all time delivering letters-theirs wrong places to. perhaps you explaining why communicating to earthlings enjoyable to you is?
graphix phloggelak
the pretty starship
PHREXI grand awesome


49.99 99 Effron 13360

.(??),!&.[#}?
Azoflod Zorp
Intergalactic Ruler


51.76 99 Effron 13360

explaining, perhaps is the you fool for us PHREXI the meaning of these symbols-yours strange incomprehensible?
graphix phloggelak


17.76 50 Crashgrack 13360

is the you alien flagellating the rolodex-yours? we are all the time wondering, "what? behavior pattern this is representing.!!!" PHREXI not the knowing. telling us, magnificent please?
graphix phloggelak


20.88 50 Crashgrack 13360

The Rolodex Flipping verily are the We Dirtoids. Worship Phrexi You the Not Knowers Rolodex Ours the Dirtoids We. Behavoir Incomprehensible is.
Chax!Li Gakloo
Dirt


25.57 50 Crashgrack 13360

the language-yours is certainly being incomprehensible / your behavior / as. is not logical and demonstrably intelligible / our grammar / like. you is switch to PHREXItalk or no more the mr. nice guy. yowzers!
graphix phloggelak


27.82 50 Crashgrack 13360

Zounds! The You PHREXI Powerful is. The Resounding of Retribution yours stings the Ears of the We Dirtoids!
Chax!Li Gakloo


33.44 55 Crashgrack 13360

OH MARVELOUS PHREXI GRAND AWESOME!
We who are but slime of a million Spandexian slugs, we who lick the spaces between your toes creep to your magnificence in humble supplication. We beseech thee most humbly that we might in our lowliness destroy thee.
Humbly yours,
Glib Kareck
ZSS Nickel-and-Dime
Zoondwa Empire


34.79 55 Crashgrack 13360

overconfident arrogant is the you fools imbeciles. certainly being destroyed within 5 years, by perhaps the us PHREXI. giving us instantly now the brazilian coffee bean, or none the yours existence.
graphix phloggelak


40.45 55 Crashgrack 13360

Ha! So you found us out, PHREXI scum! Well, no matter! We are exporting the coffee bean to the Horxian Empire! Your pitiful caffeine addiction makes me sick. Youe empty threats have no consequence to me.
Glib Kareck


41.70 55 Crashgrack 13360

then, well, being that the considered you reply, we is no choice but instantly frying the yours spaceship jalopy. PHREXI is all time backing the threats-ours. very effective, we is thinking.
graphix phloggelak


50.98 56 Crashgrack 13360

[Transmission intercepted, origin Earth]
All right! Stop this now. My name is Myrtle Smith, an English teacher at school 73 in Muncie, Indiana. I don't know where you learned English, Mr. Phloggelak, but it's terrible! You need some rigorous grammar classes. Have you taken the I-STEPS?


52.46 56 Crashgrack 13360

horror fright is the ours emotions!! certainly reconsidering? this threat evil insensitive.! we is only lizards peaceful innocuous. none the I-STEPs, agreeing? certainly the best idea, PHREXI is think.
graphix phloggelak


58.94 56 Crashgrack 13360

[Transmission intercepted, origin Earth]
That's what I thought, young lizard! Now you stay after school and clean up the telex room floor. Do you hear?


60.03 56 Crashgrack 13360

yes ma'am, certainly complying is the us PHREXI
graphix phloggelak


[Transmission intercepted, origin Lesser Magellanic Cloud]
Salutations/I-We/give. I-We/apologize. Language/communication/sound/for us/difficult/is. I-We/[untranslatable]/are. Pestilence/you/are. To live/you/deserve/negative. But music good/you/have. Two requests/we/have: Metal/thrash/we/want (vibrations/to us/soothing)
Tangerines/we/want.
you/us/Respond.


09.20 92 Zblutt 13361

[In the great flurry of all races to respond, this is the analysis and translation of the only surviving messages available]
We/AZNGU/Silicoids/eldest ones/best-NGOYL
representing/allying/aiding/befriending/defending
Terrans/primates/separate ones/smartest-NFAYUL/language-users
negotiating/communicating/dealing/mediating/confronting
NGOYUL/species-mind/dimension-sensers/language-unusers/great ones
you/unknown ones/other-NGOYUL
not understanding/misinterpreting/threatening
Terrans/happy primates/friends-ours
you/ugly aliens/pompous ones/weak-NGOYUL
getting/receiving/gaining/absorbing
metal/funnymusic/trash/badnoise
if peaceful/if negotiate/if no insult/if no argue
you/random ones/unlucky ones
no getting/no eating/no acquiring
tangerines/Terra-food/sentient fruit
AZNGU


09.28 92 Zblutt 13361
I-We/apologize. I-We/fruit/tangerines/sentient/are/realize/negative. Metal/thrash/we/want/still. Cabbage/sentient/only/we/thought. I-We/my-ourselves/introduce:
I-We/Hive-fleet/Behemoth-Eater/are. Silicoids/you/are/query? Silicoids/pestilence/are/negative. Silicoids/I-We/encounter/previous. Silicoids/compatible/are/negative. Life/carbon-based/compatible/are. Request/I-We/have:
Oranguutan/I-We/want. But/humans/better/are. PHREXI/me-us/send/negative. PHREXI/useless/are. Pompous/ugly/weak/I-We/are/negative. You/I-We/insult/negative. NGOYUL/NFAYUL/are/query?


09.35 92 Zblutt 13361
Tangerines/orange-balls/Terra-food/sentient fruit/sessile-NGOYUL
NGOYUL/species-minds/dimension-sensers/language-unusers/great ones
NFAYUL/many-minds/blind ones/language-users/separate ones
we/AZNGU/silicoids/best-NGOYUL/eldest ones
destroy/kill/eliminate/absorb/eat
you/weak-NGOYUL/Behemoth-Eater/arrogant ones/ugly aliens
if eat/if ingest/if harm/if exploit/if kill
Terrans/primates/good-NFAYUL/separate-minds
you/[dorks]
warned/notified
AZNGU


10.35 92 Zblutt 13361
Human/I-We/want. Humans/I-We/harm/negative. Humans/slaves/yours/are/query? Humans/life-code/I-We/manipulate. Humans/I-We/equipment/into/make. Humans/computers/combat/make. Humans/manipulated/easily/are. PHREXI/useful/are/negligible. PHREXI/bathtub/vat/good/make. I-We/Behemoth-Eater/Hive-soldiers/attack/harvest/colonize/Humans/past/distant. I-We/you/AZNGU/Terrans/apologize. I-We/you/conflict/want/negative. Terrans/you/keep. I-We/PHREXI/slave-race/make. I-We/deal/have/query?


10.50 92 Zblutt 13361

Deal
AZNGU


92.02 41 Blishdek 13364

Earthling-unit, we of heap big planet Reinhold be requiring a food that is a bit more difficult in the hunting/killing/chomping than be our domesicated zooph beast, oh boy. Accordingly, then, thus, so, we wish to rent your species-units (humans?) for good eating. Yum Slurp.
Glix
Planet Reinhold


93.99 41 Blishdek 13364

Well, um, that's a bit much in the way of courtesy, isn't it? The best we can do is give you 23,000 acres of Amazon forest for harvest and cattle raising. Terribly sorry we can't do more.
Oliver North MCLXXXII
Grand Continental Ruler
Earth


94.05 41 Blishdek 13364

Our special sauce is ready now, you bet. Get stale it will if not used. We will settle for 10,000 rappers and/or/plus other societal dregs. Goomph. Sending fleet of fast food dreadnoughts, we are. Prepare to give up your protein.
Glix


17.76 42 Blishdek 13364

We would like to order 6,000 gallons of your special sauce. We'll label it as "Creamy Bulgarian" dressing.
Al Shoop
McDonald's Planetary Manager


18.57 42 Blishdek 13364

Rappers, Rastafarians, and Used Car Salesmen are at your disposal. We beg you, however, not to eat our grand leader Dan Quayle MCXCII. This is our only desperate plea.
George Bush MCCIV
President of Dirtclod II
Terran Consolidated Suns


20.01 42 Blishdek 13364

It is rumored that the eating/chewing/digestion/delivery of basic proteins & amino acids to the brain cells / from Dan Quayle's head is good for the virility and the intelligence. You Earth-units may keep the (query--GANJA) Rastafarians in exchange for the Quayle unit.
Our Special Sauce is congealing, so please reply quick.
Glix


25.43 42 Blishdek 13364

Well...OK
George Bush


25.46 42 Blishdek 13364

Hey, what's in that special sauce?
Al Shoop


28.33 42 Blishdek 13364

Gracias, tenemos mucho hambre, y vamos a comer la cabeza de Sr. Quayle [WAK*BUZZA*] Sorry we are, translator the seems to on the blink be. Special the sauce, delicious, consists en una parte de carne [WACK*BUZZAT*ZAP*] one part stalking gilk meat, zooph glands, and pan-galactic gargle blaster. Yummers. In culinary ecstasy are we.
Glix


29.50 42 Blishdek 13364

THIS MADNESS MUST CEASE. THE REINHOLDIAN SPECIAL SAUCE CONTAINS NO OREGANO. OREGANO, AS IT IS WELL KNOWN, IS AN AVATAR OF SPACE-VISHNU, AND MUST BE INCLUDED IN ALL FOODS. WE HEREBY DECLARE HOLY SPICY WAR ON THE INFIDEL REINHOLDERS AND THE DAN QUAYLE-SELLING DIRT DENIZENS. PREPARE TO MEET PASTA RAYS IN OPEN SPACE.
IF ANY ATTEMPT IS MADE BY THE REINHOLDERS TO SELL THEIR SPECIAL SAUCE, WE WILL MAKE THEM INTO A PERKY CLAM SAUCE CHOP-CHOP.
ZEBULON PRUDHOMME
OLD ORLEANS


30.05 42 Blishdek 13364

being what? the oregano spice flavoring.! zounds! spice this tasting bad disgusting. old orleans certainly offending the us PHREXI, warmongering the holy war; spicy!
graphix phloggelak


34.78 42 Blishdek 13364

Sin! Kill Phrexi grand awesome! War! War!
Galactic Society for the
Advancement of Oregano


36.10 42 Blishdek 13364

KILL THE G.S.F.T.A.O.O.!!!!
Oregano Liberation Front


21.45 77 Nardfrak 13364

I, the great Fuzbom of Garklos IV demand that all races turn over rule of the Universe to me. Otherwise, I will pull the wings off a butterfly.
Fuzbom
Megalomaniac of Garklos IV


30.59 77 Nardfrak 13364

Yank away, varlet! I, Blix Quzxl of Loxx IV am unimpressed by your threats. In my vast palace, I keep a stock of butterflies merely to enjoy the pleasure of wing-pulling at a whim. Your power is insignificant.
Blix King of Loxx
Lord of the Great Nebula and
Yanker of Innocent Butterflies


42.62 77 Nardfrak 13364

All right, yield up the Universe unto me, or I shall kill a single person!
Fuzbom


45.81 77 Nardfrak 13364

Lo! I will do no such thing. My power is vastly more than yours. To prove it, I will slay, for no particular reason, a married person. So there.
Blix


54.22 77 Nardfrak 13364

Have you no morals? Most people are stumped with the choice between saving the world and the butterfly! And here, I only want to rule the Universe, not destroy it!
Fuzbom


57.64 77 Nardfrak 13364

At last, you glimpse my awesome callousness.
Blix


60.39 77 Nardfrak 13364

ALL RIGHT! Either turn over your Kingdom... or I will destroy the Universe!!!
Fuzbom


67.93 77 Nardfrak 13364

Go ahead...You don't have the guts!
Blix


=-FUUUUUUP-=


80.00 77 Nardfrak 13364

Put it back.
GOD


-=PIF=-


86.41 77 Nardfrak 13364

I really didn't think you'd do it...
Blix


87.03 77 Nardfrak 13364

At last, you glimpse my awesome callousness.
Fuzbom


24.95 12 Dipthrank 13365

Unreality 7th level coming from we. Communication unhasty, unthought-not, contemplative, yes. Prepared, you, perhaps not, unreality comprehend, grasp, absorb. Nonspeakers we are thought to be. Through time/space/dimension/fabric/crystal spheres communication emerges slowly creeping/inadequate.
T'ang Erine


36.83 12 Dipthrank 13365

Flip, Boingg! Schlurp; woogawooga? Splort, zonk.
Bob


37.97 12 Dipthrank 13365

Yes, 42.
T'ang Erine


42.00 12 Dipthrank 13365

Thought so. Sproink, yourrp.
Bob


50.02 12 Dipthrank 13365

Answering, Responding someone Knowledge we sentient, superior are? We waiting can, many ages living we. Never dying. We waiting can.
T'ang Erine


99.84 38 Dipthrank 13365

TO EARTH:
The foul (fowl) barbary space-parrots of Penzance have kidnapped the executive director of "At the Nest with the Vorxes." Production is grinding to a halt! The show must go on!!! We are launching seventeen amazon squadrons with full mega-cheetah backup. The Redites are complying with our request for assistance. We respectfully suggest you comply with your end of the treaty, or we shall have you cancelled mid-season.
Princess Lycra


99.99 38 Dipthrank 13365

What treaty?
Grav Black


*** NO RECORD OF SUBSEQUENT DIALOG BETWEEN SPANDEX AND TERRA ***
******** IT IS SUSPECTED THAT THE PLANET EARTH FELL INTO *******
****** RECESSION AS A RESULT OF A SHORTAGE OF ELASTICITY. ******
**** THEY DID NOT RECOVER UNTIL THE MIRACULOUS INVENTION OF ****
*** ADVANCED ELASTICITY SUBSTITUTE BY AN ANONYMOUS ORANGUTAN ***


32.23 40 Dipthrank 13365
Hail Lycra, Princess of Spandex! A dire rubber shortage threatens our plastic vomit fields and whoopee cushion orchards. We seek elasticity, and you are needful of tangerines. Perhaps we can strike a deal?
Grand Hegemon of Floorp
Armchair Jai-alai Player


40.09 40 Dipthrank 13365

The foul fowl, the Barbary Space Parrots of Penzance, have kidnapped the executive director of "At the Nest with the Vorxes." The miserable Earthling scum have refused to honor their alliances. We are presently allied with the redites and have withdrawn all red Jello from their planet as a warning. We are prepared to give you necessary elasticity and all the tangerines you can transport, plus a share in the spoils from Earth.
Princess Lycra


60.40 40 Dipthrank 13365

We have decided that the Earthlings must suffer. While the "novelty" devices we transport to Earth are normally dormant, hand-buzzers have a working voltage of 1,000,000 V, and whoopee cushions emit a gas inimical to the dirtoid organisms. We would like the tanger--


İİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİİ ***************************************************************** FORCED INTERRUPTION
COMMUNICATION CODE 6283467.00032

You who talking be. Spandex. Floorp. Trans-sentient we be. No more Exporting, Importing, Economic Transaction, Bantering, standing are we. Power have we. Influence. Cease your actions.
T'ang Erine
(The orangutan is our spy, fools.)

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INTERGALACTIC TELEX OFFICE
MEMORANDUM #3,678,042,178

We regret to inform you that our office is currently flooded to capacity with reports of orangutan disappearances. Stand by for further information. All following communications must for a time be sent on Intergalactic tachyon/neutrino coupled transmission.
Have a nice day.

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Last Updated: Dec 13 1995
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